well today was a bit of a roller coaster ride! as of last nite they said i had a surgery in the morning, but it turns out they don't put you under to take out the superficial blood vacuums, no they just pull that sucker leeching off on top of the stitches like one horrendous band aide! i am a baby when it comes to that kind of pain, and when she tells me what's about to go on, my blood pressure went through the roof. so i actually saw the leg today; it looked like this gross distended Frankenstein thing with the stitches all over. i expected that but it still wasn't a pretty sight; at least when it's covered up i don't have a mental image of all the nasty tendons moving under the stitches and all the swelling tissue.

i'm also pretty disheartened at how fast my muscles have atrophied, the right quad. is already noticeably smaller and more veiney, or i guess the correct term is vascular. and my cardio is kaput...i guess a week flat on your back almost 24 hours a day will do that, who knew! so today on the crushes i was soooo winded. i practiced going up and down just three single steps and had to take a rest; yes runner friends insert laughs here! then once around the ward ended with me telling the PT trainer i couldn't talk to her, breathe, and walk all at the same time, so she could keep up the conversation but i'm sorry i'm going to have to be mute as i pant like an old dog. i got back and flopped on the bed to recover; seriously, 18 milers have been easier. but they say it's normal and especially since coordinating the crutches is using different muscles and so new that it adds even more of a hurdle. getting the technique down will help and even though i will tire out faster than walking/running it shouldn't be as severe over time; so i have my challenge and i want to build my strength each day. i don't know if anyone saw the girl on the Today show this morning (yea, i pretty much see everything these day!) but she was paralyzed after a soccer accident and just started walking. she was like thirteen or something and was so positive, it gave me motivation. she was told she'd never even walk again, so it hit close to home and as sappy as it sounds you know how a little voice in the back of your head is like, "this story was meant for you to see!" i actually heard that girlie little voice, and even if it does sound stupid i'm going to, well, run with it and take the message that was coming thru, even if it was some fluff news bit aimed to tug at the heart strings of stay at home mothers.

then out of left field they told me i could go home today; i was so stressed because i hadn't expected that and thus not planned on that so soon. so i start this wave of phone calls to get stuff settled, freaking out. i'm excited but really scared to be at home by myself. my bro said he'd move in there, but he has stuff of his own to do and can't be around 24/7 like the hospital staff. i mean, i will mostly be just vegging, and i can at least make it to the bathroom and such, but i don't know if i can even stand long enough to make myself food. and then i need a constant taxi service to and from all the doctor and PT appointments that are coming up, and i feel so reliant on everyone else. i have people willing to help, but i don't like putting people out; but like they say they do want to help and i have to speak up. i am literally incapable of taking care of myself right now so i HAVE to ask for help; but still it's not something i'm used to or accustomed to doing. thankfully i do have people in my life who are willing to literally bend over backwards and go way out of their way for me. i've seen that this week and it has made me feel uplifted and far less lonely than i used to sometimes feel. i feel very loved and lucky to have people tell me they WANT me to ask the world of them. u kno who you are and i can't express my gratitude enough.

well, then the doctors, finally after hours of coordination and such, tell me oh, wait, no, we need to do one more thing, so you can't leave until tomorrow. this is after everyone already moves all of their things around and an insane amount of stress; so then we are left going thru it all again but for the next day...UGH! i was so mad, but also a bit embarrassed being that i caused so much drama only to be like, "psych! just kidding, i'm not leaving til tomorrow, so can u drop everything again for me?" but thankfully it's all working out and i am glad to get home and further on the road to recovery but also scared. but i'll be in constant contact with all the dr.'s and PT guys; my first dr. appt. is on Monday with the bone surgeons and then from there will be going probably three days a week, and then up to every day to meet with the PT specialists. In six weeks i will have to come back to the hospital for a bone graft, which is not something i'm over the moon about; but it's necessary for the healing and i'm only looking to tomorrow. actually more like i'm just looking to the next hour, or the next thing i have to do. the future spans out like a vast chasm if i look too far ahead, so better to just watch the Today show until 11am and then flip to the next stupid midday program and then make my way until Nick at Nite...do what i have to do then go to bed. wake up and repeat. goodnight friends!