i hope everyone had a great weekend; if you do celebrate Easter than a belated Happy Easter to you, but if not how about a belated Happy Sunday?! ;) i had a pretty good weekend; but then again most everyday seems sort of like the others and they blend together so that i'm not always totally sure exactly which day of the week it is! i'm not a person who usually gets too sappy, sentimental or necessarily lonely during any kind of holiday, i live a decent distance from most of my family that going home all the time just isn't feasible so i've made due with phone calls and going back home for of course the major ones, namely Christmas, but being laid up and amid a silent apartment was a bit tougher than usual. my family at home usually gets together for an Easter brunch and really the only big tradition is that my po-po (for all of you furrowing your brows at that one that means grandma in chinese; oh and for future reference gung-gung means grandpa) makes her special coffee cake. this cake only makes an appearance, albeit a short one before the plates are licked cleaned, for Easter and Christmas. it's a standing joke that if po-po was to come without the coffee cake she wouldn't be let in the door...my dad says that as a joke but there is enough of a serious undertone when he says it that po-po gets the message...hehe.

i of course sent out my little Easter cards and made the phone call rounds but a part of me wished i could be back home and yes, even dorkily hiding plastic eggs around the house. (outside the weather in CA has been about as bad as it has been in OR) i pictured my little bro and sis who now are not so little; my mind thought back to the days in which my little sister needed my help to scout out the eggs and forever i will have that image of the chubby legged cutie in a frilly dress wobbling around with her little basket. the same can be said for my littlest bro who had such wild and crazy hair even as a baby he looked better when it was bicked! but today they are getting so big; my sis is in high school (has way more of a social life than i do even now!) and my bro has gotten bigger and found a way to tame that hair. so i know that the Easter in reality was not played out in the same way as the one in my mind; yes everyone no doubt exchanged hugs, well wishes, and the 'easter bunny' dumped off some few nicely loaded gift baskets but there was no egg dying this year and no egg hunt. of course breakfast included the coffee cake but afterwards i'm sure the little ones were off texting their friends and the adults set to chatting it up.

every year that passes everyone gets a bit older and less excited about the 'childish' traditions; but i still think i'm a little kid inside a big person's body...a body that is a little worse for wear now! because of the big age gap between my two youngest siblings (i was nine when my little sis was born) i spent a great deal of time babysitting and sort of feel like i added a little parental hand to their raising; but now i live far away and each time i go back they've grown so much not only in height but also as people. i'm so very proud of the people they have become and are still evolving into but i am remiss that i have missed the later stages. i think that is why i still picture them as tots and always find myself shocked when i get to see them in person. a lot of people are not lucky enough to really enjoy the company of their siblings (yes we all love them, but sometimes it's tough to like them! haha) but even if we have our spats i not only find myself continually being amazed by them but inspired as well.

as i sit here, i do often think about them and the rest of my family going about their day and sometimes i look at the clock and think, "oh, i bet they're just getting out of school." and i take heart that they love me and care for me, they did send me Easter cards and a treat too!, and they'd love me for just being me. sometimes when things get dark and yes even depressing it's reassuring to know that there are people out there who would take you for who you are, flawed and all (i've certainly got enough of those!), and sometimes care more about you than you do yourself. i hold on to that in hard times, remember that if i question the whole 'why me' or 'why do i even have to be here and be going through this' and it gives me hope and a sense of peace. no matter what happens i'll have those who care and they will give me the energy and strength to make it to tomorrow. we all have those people, even if we aren't actually able to see it at the time; so no matter what goes on and how lost you may feel think about those who care so much about you and try to see yourself through their eyes and in turn love yourself as they would, treat yourself kindly, and don't lose sight of the hope that tomorrow will bring a brighter day.