i sit here thinking about how i feel about the man, chris, who hit me. i haven't really paid him much thought, except when people ask or i recount the story, but my feeling is that i would rather spend my energy in the direction of my own recovery. whether he is sentenced to jail time or not because of the court situation whatever happens won't affect my own condition, medical bills and all, and so it doesn't have much of a bearing on how i go about my own healing. i haven't even really thought about what kind of life he leads, if he has a family, or even what kind of a person he is; i feel that any respectful person with a conscious would have stopped. he didn't, and so i feel that i have my answer and i don't necessarily care about learning the details of his own life. i'm sure he's had hardships, we all have, but we can use those as excuses to not take accountability or we can rise to the occasion and let the outcome be what may. he not only fled the scene but stripped his plates so he took measured steps to avoid being identified.

so i have not thought much about him, but today i received a call from the court (of course i got the call one of the few points in the day when i am not an arm's reach from the cell phone! getting around is so slow for me that by the time i hobble back to the phone it has always flipped over to voice mail already.) stating that chris has asked for the judge to reduce his bail amount so that he can get out of jail until his trial. the message informed me that the hearing for this plea will be tomorrow afternoon; chris' current bail stands at $30,000 which means he needs to front $3,000 to be released, a sum he has been unable to gather. so he is then appearing before the judge in the hopes that he can be free of his own prison.

i feel torn; a part of me is admittedly vindictive, "gosh i wish i could give up $3,000 and then be given by normal leg back. i could return back to my old life and go about things that made me happy." if only it was that easy i could shirk not only more surgeries and the grueling and prolonged rehabilitation and be running again but i'd also avoid even more medical bills too. i wish i also could be free of my own sort of prison; while i am thankful for what i still have that does not take away the pain of dealing with what i have lost and may never fully get back. that angry little voice in my head rants, "of course he wants to get out of jail, get back to his life; not having the life you have envisioned or became accustomed too really sucks and having to see freedom and the lives other people lead go on like nothing happened right outside the window, or fence, makes it all the harder. but i have to deal with the same sort of feeling, so why should he get off the hook?"

i feel a bit malevolent wishing misery on another person but i can't pretend that little voice isn't there at all. but another part of me thinks that focusing on chris, and trying to make certain he 'pays his dues' is only wasted energy and effort that could be better placed elsewhere. i've tried to live my life being less judgmental and critical of others or holding onto grudges; i've found that in letting go comes peace of mind on my end and that wishing ill to others isn't a path that leads to any real satisfaction. so i feel torn; yes i do believe what chris did was wrong, i could never imagine abandoning someone like that, but should i just let it go, allow whatever will happen to transpire on its own accord, and continue to leave him a mystery in my own mind? a mystery that i have no intention of investigating because i'd rather put that time and focus into something productive to my own healing and rebuilding my own life.

i left a message back with the court; but have not received a return call and they are closed now. i have no way to go to the hearing, and even if i did i don't have a real urge to go; i really have no desire to see chris again. i saw him as he drove away from me and that was enough. if the court gets in touch with me before his hearing, which is doubtful (i know they have lots to do and i don't think i need to reiterate to all just how slow things can move in governmental places...do you remember your last trip to the DMV?!!?), but i find myself questioning first whether i even really want them to call back and then what i would say. do i foster that niggling angry voice or do i try to let go and move on. i believe in time chris will have to fulfill a sentence, it will most likely end up being reduced, and that should be enough; after all he did not commit a heinous crime like murder or the like so i sometimes feel as if it may be better to have him do community service and at least give back in a way to benefit more people. our prisons are costly and there is only so much room so wouldn't it help a greater amount if he was sentenced to improve the area? i don't know, but at this point i don't think i really care...what happens will happen and all i can do is focus on my own situation. but if i could i would make a plea for a hearing to get my own bail reduced; if i could give any amount of material possessions or money to get back to the life i led i would; but i can't so there is no point in being resentful that i can't and instead be grateful of what i have and take the incremental improvements as they come.